I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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