You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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