in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
