i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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