Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
