you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
