If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
