I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize