There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize