just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
