Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
