i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
