I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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