what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
