i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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