I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
