I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
