I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can you bring me the toilet please
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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