Your face is a jimmy john
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I wish I only lived at night.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
