I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
