we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
