I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
