God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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