Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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