I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How does one acquire holy water?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
