I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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