we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
