I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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