its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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