I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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