I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
