someone threw a dead crab at me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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