Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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