drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
my shit smells like andre
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
