i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
