I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
