the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
