the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
