I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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