And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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