Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
