Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
