im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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