is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
