I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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