??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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