Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
