I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You can't just leave with hair like that
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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