My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize