Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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