I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
