Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
