We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
