He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
