I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
