her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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