Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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