lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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